There is no easy way to get to that age where you have to explain more and more frequently to your mother that, Mom, I don’t need your permission, in fact I’m not asking for it. I can do what I want to do, I am just asking for your support as a courtesy.
I guess I don’t really know how to be alone and it’s a thought that’s been kind of bothering me lately. I feel like healing myself without the love of someone being constantly here for me will be really impossible. And I want to be alone, I want to enjoy and be able to love myself. I want to do it for my own sake and for the sake of any poor soul who might ever have to put up with me. But then again I don’t. Cos it’s so hard to do on your own…
I just had my first CBT session, so I’m trying to be a bit more observant now of what is going on and keeping me from doing everything I need to do. Except I don’t have paper so I’m recording it here… Now I’m just trying to focus on this essay I have to do, but my eyes are blurring and I can’t read the words on my screen. My head is also aching so terribly and it is making it near impossible. So I don’t even think this is my mood’s fault this time, I’m just feeling shitty and I’m barely conscious.
This is so awful…
I still can’t believe everything I did.
I don’t know if I will ever forgive myself.
I feel so suffocated in my tiny little room and I have too much shit I just want to throw it out but the hardest part is the effort that takes to do that.
So fucking irritable.